It's been a long time since I moved back from the US. Rarely do I think about my life in the US and I am no longer recognized with the US return tag . I live life as though the 3+ years in US never happened. This is exactly the way I wanted it to be and I am glad for that.
Ever since my return its been a dilemma to advise my friends, who are set to go to US. They are all confident of their impending return back to India- once they make 'enough money'. They assert that those who choose to stay back in the US are hypocrites and they are nothing like that.
I want to tell them that they are wrong. I want to tell that the ones who choose to stay back are there because they cannot come back. Its not really a choice that they made, but its a consequence of a flawed logic . I want to tell these soon to be FOBs that they too are well on course to make the same mistake that the NRIs have made. But, as I tell this they are even more fired up . They will retort that I have questioned their sense of duty towards their motherland and parents. Clearly I cannot take this path.
In my case,instead of proclaiming that I too shall return to india after earning 'enough money' ,I started off by studying the exact reasons as to why people choose to settle there.Information is hard to come by as I cannot ask this question directly to desi citizens of USA. I did find bits and pieces of information in books and talking to people and i patched it up to get some perspective.I also extrapolated the information to predict what hurdles I might face in returning to India. I was able to foresee a rough period of isolation once I return to India. When that moment actually came up , I was depressed, but I was under control for the most part.
These are many such complex ideas which evolved over a period of months centered on this theme. So far no one has asked me how I made it back and how tough was it. Its frustrating. The path I have traveled was lonely and depressing. I have the task of getting across the message to those who are headed on to this journey with no return ticket. All I want to tell is that its not as simple as they think.
Going to US is a big ordeal and the last thing on anyone's mind is coming back. The visa, the travel, setting up a living,student life, research, job, work visa , family will keep one occupied for atleast 3 years.Once employed ,life is so comforting there that the thought of returning dosent occur for next few years. Once married its a different game altogether and things get really complex.
And thus the dilemma continues. On one hand I can tell people what it takes to come back to India, but I cannot do that until people seek my advise. Till then all I can do is to silently watch the parade as a spectator hopeful. You know... Such is life...
Showing posts with label frustu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustu. Show all posts
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Going ISKCON 4:The Grudge
This is the concluding part of a 4 part series on my experiences with ISKCON.
Please read introduction,section 2 & section 3 by following the links.
So all of this is fine. However the association with ISKCON comes with a price.The devotees have sold their soul for the 'perfect' life they are living. Most of these bhaktas marry and lead a outwardly normal life. But in a way, they live a life of deceit. They never tell their parents , until its too late , that they are having a completely different set of believes and practices.The children of these bhaktas are brought up in a closed environment where they are taught that everything in the outside world is evil and they are only messengers of God.
The opinion of the bhaktas on most things are narrow. They discredit most scientific theories because they are not a source of happiness. Although discussion within the group are encouraged ,before joining they are made to accept a few assumptions.
One - That Krishna is supreme lord. He passed his knowledge to his disciples and everything they believe had been handed down by lord himself through a disciplic succession. This series of disciples involve historical and mythological figures and the link between the two is something which cannot be questioned .
Two- the only way to become god conscious is to be a part of this line of disciples. (Nothing else will do.)So, only by coming into contact with this succession can one achieve moksha.
So , basically any scientific theory -such as Big bang, theory of evolution etc which contradicts anything in the knowledge bank is simply NOT accepted. Any discussion which happens is done within the space where the above are true.
Proof for the above is simple- faith.So, anything is accepted- lying , stealing,begging,even murder-provided the purpose of is to impress the lord.
Another rule ,which is an offshoot of the above is that the Guru cannot be questioned. The analogy given is usually that of a parent and child. Just like a child cannot find its path in life without the guidance of parents, a raw devotee cannot find his path in the spiritual world without the guru. And this rule holds good for ever. Anyone senior to you HAS to be obeyed and likewise-anyone junior to you will not question you. If the guru makes a statement like-'democracy is for fools'- the mind has to search for examples which justify this . To even think of contradicting the opinion is considered a major sin.
But perhaps the greatest grudge which I have is of the false sense of humility which they have. No doubt they have a humble lifestyle- simple food, clothes, etc. But early in their initiation, the fact that -being a part of ISKCON philosophy makes them special, is deeply drilled in to their minds. The need to be superior to the normal populace is one of the strong driving forces which makes them join the movement in the first place. They cannot realize that actually want superior societal status-when they initially join the movement.
The lectures of the Guru in ISKCON during the initiating is full of anecdotal stories . Its not hard to convince anyone that we are all headed towards certain doom.Anyway, during the initiation a key question which comes up is this-"what makes your path different than other religions?". A very standard question asked by almost all targets. The answer is this-"Christianity and Islam are also path to God. No doubt. But they are inferior.
The following would be said to you as a part of the answer to the above questin-"In Bible, there is a line which says -Do not kill . Its not for you and me, because we are not people who do such things. Its for lower levels of human birth. Islam too is very similar. There is a quotation which says do not sleep with your friends wife. If you are someone who thinks along those lines-then Islam is for you. We are all born,based on our activities in previous birth, at a level.Islam is for people in lower levels, Christianity for next level, and vedas are only for people who are of highest calibre and if you can accept this YOU belong to the best." The last sentence is key. The target is made to believe that accepting the principles makes him superior . For someone who trusts the speaker, not accepting the above does not mean the theory is false-It means that he is dumb and that path is never taken.
Its only by telling the targets that they are better off than any religion that they are convinced that this is the right path. How is is possible that a path to spiritual awareness begins with belittling the principles of other religions?
I dont think anything here would offend any ISKCON devotee. They would agree that everything here,but for my opinions are true. They would also add that they used to think in similar lines when they were new to the organization,but after understanding the pure intentions of the Krishna Bhaktas they have supressed such thoughts successfully.
As a finishing thought I can share another analogy commonly shared by the devotees. The bhaktas are not allowed to read anti-ISKCON material online, talk to people who are experts in other religions or even have independent ideas. Yet, they refer to people living in the material world as frog in a well who thinks that the well is the world(Koopa-mandooka). Its a pity that their arrogance and narrow thought makes them think that they are the last hope of mankind in aspects of humility and intelligence.& as manju once put it- Weird people:weird world.
Please read introduction,section 2 & section 3 by following the links.
So all of this is fine. However the association with ISKCON comes with a price.The devotees have sold their soul for the 'perfect' life they are living. Most of these bhaktas marry and lead a outwardly normal life. But in a way, they live a life of deceit. They never tell their parents , until its too late , that they are having a completely different set of believes and practices.The children of these bhaktas are brought up in a closed environment where they are taught that everything in the outside world is evil and they are only messengers of God.
The opinion of the bhaktas on most things are narrow. They discredit most scientific theories because they are not a source of happiness. Although discussion within the group are encouraged ,before joining they are made to accept a few assumptions.
One - That Krishna is supreme lord. He passed his knowledge to his disciples and everything they believe had been handed down by lord himself through a disciplic succession. This series of disciples involve historical and mythological figures and the link between the two is something which cannot be questioned .
Two- the only way to become god conscious is to be a part of this line of disciples. (Nothing else will do.)So, only by coming into contact with this succession can one achieve moksha.
So , basically any scientific theory -such as Big bang, theory of evolution etc which contradicts anything in the knowledge bank is simply NOT accepted. Any discussion which happens is done within the space where the above are true.
Proof for the above is simple- faith.So, anything is accepted- lying , stealing,begging,even murder-provided the purpose of is to impress the lord.
Another rule ,which is an offshoot of the above is that the Guru cannot be questioned. The analogy given is usually that of a parent and child. Just like a child cannot find its path in life without the guidance of parents, a raw devotee cannot find his path in the spiritual world without the guru. And this rule holds good for ever. Anyone senior to you HAS to be obeyed and likewise-anyone junior to you will not question you. If the guru makes a statement like-'democracy is for fools'- the mind has to search for examples which justify this . To even think of contradicting the opinion is considered a major sin.
But perhaps the greatest grudge which I have is of the false sense of humility which they have. No doubt they have a humble lifestyle- simple food, clothes, etc. But early in their initiation, the fact that -being a part of ISKCON philosophy makes them special, is deeply drilled in to their minds. The need to be superior to the normal populace is one of the strong driving forces which makes them join the movement in the first place. They cannot realize that actually want superior societal status-when they initially join the movement.
The lectures of the Guru in ISKCON during the initiating is full of anecdotal stories . Its not hard to convince anyone that we are all headed towards certain doom.Anyway, during the initiation a key question which comes up is this-"what makes your path different than other religions?". A very standard question asked by almost all targets. The answer is this-"Christianity and Islam are also path to God. No doubt. But they are inferior.
The following would be said to you as a part of the answer to the above questin-"In Bible, there is a line which says -Do not kill . Its not for you and me, because we are not people who do such things. Its for lower levels of human birth. Islam too is very similar. There is a quotation which says do not sleep with your friends wife. If you are someone who thinks along those lines-then Islam is for you. We are all born,based on our activities in previous birth, at a level.Islam is for people in lower levels, Christianity for next level, and vedas are only for people who are of highest calibre and if you can accept this YOU belong to the best." The last sentence is key. The target is made to believe that accepting the principles makes him superior . For someone who trusts the speaker, not accepting the above does not mean the theory is false-It means that he is dumb and that path is never taken.
Its only by telling the targets that they are better off than any religion that they are convinced that this is the right path. How is is possible that a path to spiritual awareness begins with belittling the principles of other religions?
I dont think anything here would offend any ISKCON devotee. They would agree that everything here,but for my opinions are true. They would also add that they used to think in similar lines when they were new to the organization,but after understanding the pure intentions of the Krishna Bhaktas they have supressed such thoughts successfully.
As a finishing thought I can share another analogy commonly shared by the devotees. The bhaktas are not allowed to read anti-ISKCON material online, talk to people who are experts in other religions or even have independent ideas. Yet, they refer to people living in the material world as frog in a well who thinks that the well is the world(Koopa-mandooka). Its a pity that their arrogance and narrow thought makes them think that they are the last hope of mankind in aspects of humility and intelligence.& as manju once put it- Weird people:weird world.
Going ISKCON 3:The Devotee
This is a 4 part series on my experience with ISKCON as a 'junior' devotee.
Please read the introduction and section 2 ,by following the respective links.
Its crucial to understand the thinking and lifestyle of any devotee to understand my point of view.
The devotee i describe are 'recruited' from colleges . Their age group can be between 18-25 . After its decided that the student in question wants to be a devotee of Krishna for life they usually move into a separate accommodation with like minded people. Once this happens the life of the student ceases to be anything but normal and this is what I intend to explain.
The core of the existence of a devotee is in the chanting of the Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra. They chant it a astounding 1728 times in the morning and evening ,once they become serious devotees. One might expect the students to lose interest in academics with such rigorous practices-but since most of the students recruited are of above average intelligence - their academic performance goes up.
Two things can be attributed to this phenomena-
A superior goal in life and a clear mind.
Prayer to God is a form of meditation and this clears the mind of all distractions. Once clear ,the mind functions like a arrow programmed to hit bulls eye. Every failure is taken up positively as a result of past sins and the focus is only on being a better devotee.
The superior Goal is the single minded objective of any ISKCON devotee- making the supreme lord happy. Whether its academics ,sleeping, interacting with others or even cooking- the purpose is crystal clear. The chanting reinforces the basic purpose of all these activities and helps to constantly be focused( Emphasis is on the word constantly-its 24*7).
Its a standard practise to train the bhaktas to do things they might normally find ridiculous. The bhaktas apparently dance to the tune of Krishna bhajans as a group. A guru,usually a person of around 40 -50 years old dances with them and encouraging them to let go of their shyness and enjoy the moment . The dancing is also considered to be a form of worship of the great lord.[Aside: Dancing to experience religious awakening is one of the central theme of this book]
They usually wake up at 4 in the morning and after taking bath they start chanting. It usually end at around 6 when they do the assigned duties like cooking . Sometimes they listen to some pre-recorded lectures of the Guru. After which they go to work/college .
At work they are seldom seen doing anything other than the job assigned to them . They don't drink coffee, gossip or check mails needlessly. They go about their work with great efficiency and never work extra time. They behave normally with colleagues, but don't involve with non -work based discussions. They come home at 5 ,pray,eat and go to bed at around 10.
If you are a normal person reading this -the key difference between you and the devotee is this- the devotee is completely aware of every minute which is passing and he is focused on utilizing each minute in productive work. Having been with a similar mindset-its amazing how much of the time we normal guys end up not doing anything productive.
To be Concluded....
Please read the introduction and section 2 ,by following the respective links.
Its crucial to understand the thinking and lifestyle of any devotee to understand my point of view.
The devotee i describe are 'recruited' from colleges . Their age group can be between 18-25 . After its decided that the student in question wants to be a devotee of Krishna for life they usually move into a separate accommodation with like minded people. Once this happens the life of the student ceases to be anything but normal and this is what I intend to explain.
The core of the existence of a devotee is in the chanting of the Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra. They chant it a astounding 1728 times in the morning and evening ,once they become serious devotees. One might expect the students to lose interest in academics with such rigorous practices-but since most of the students recruited are of above average intelligence - their academic performance goes up.
Two things can be attributed to this phenomena-
A superior goal in life and a clear mind.
Prayer to God is a form of meditation and this clears the mind of all distractions. Once clear ,the mind functions like a arrow programmed to hit bulls eye. Every failure is taken up positively as a result of past sins and the focus is only on being a better devotee.
The superior Goal is the single minded objective of any ISKCON devotee- making the supreme lord happy. Whether its academics ,sleeping, interacting with others or even cooking- the purpose is crystal clear. The chanting reinforces the basic purpose of all these activities and helps to constantly be focused( Emphasis is on the word constantly-its 24*7).
Its a standard practise to train the bhaktas to do things they might normally find ridiculous. The bhaktas apparently dance to the tune of Krishna bhajans as a group. A guru,usually a person of around 40 -50 years old dances with them and encouraging them to let go of their shyness and enjoy the moment . The dancing is also considered to be a form of worship of the great lord.[Aside: Dancing to experience religious awakening is one of the central theme of this book]
They usually wake up at 4 in the morning and after taking bath they start chanting. It usually end at around 6 when they do the assigned duties like cooking . Sometimes they listen to some pre-recorded lectures of the Guru. After which they go to work/college .
At work they are seldom seen doing anything other than the job assigned to them . They don't drink coffee, gossip or check mails needlessly. They go about their work with great efficiency and never work extra time. They behave normally with colleagues, but don't involve with non -work based discussions. They come home at 5 ,pray,eat and go to bed at around 10.
If you are a normal person reading this -the key difference between you and the devotee is this- the devotee is completely aware of every minute which is passing and he is focused on utilizing each minute in productive work. Having been with a similar mindset-its amazing how much of the time we normal guys end up not doing anything productive.
To be Concluded....
Going ISKCON 2: The Target
This is the section 2 of 4 on the workings of ISKCON .
Please read the introduction to the series here.
The first few months of a desi student in USA is something which is fairly stressful. Even for those who come from hostels, this time is quite frustrating . Tough courses,distracting presence of unlimited TV, little money to spend ,no relaxation, lack of travel options , a completely new set of people to hang out with,and worst of all-the responsibilities of the kitchen. And here is where the Krishna bhaktas of ISKCON come in. The first contact is made and the bhaktas go out of their way to help the newly arrived desis settle down. Normally, graduate students help the new students with a place to live for a week, and some food to share- but ISKCON people go much beyond that.
Over a course of the next few months the devotees-in the guise of graduate students- go about helping the freshers in a variety of ways. They provide delicious food once a week, are approachable any time of the day, help the students with academics and such. They are seen on-campus from exactly 8-5. A bunch of these seemingly very dedicated students live together and have a very focused and helpful way of life.
This phase is very important . Even if most students do not become permanent devotees, their resistance could prove disastrous for the overall strategy of ISKCON. (which is described in the paras below.). Once a favorable impression is setup they move in slowly for the kill. They start talking from their own experiences of how directionless and desperate they were in life- and look at them now- they are contended with simple things, focused in life, have only good habits and thoughts etc etc..
They avoid making any reference to anything abnormal in their lives .
The recruitment strategy differs for different sets of people. Books have been written on how to brainwash people in different countries. For example:In turkey , where the local government is hostile to religious propaganda- the activities have to carried out with great risks. Devotees are first told to gain the trust of their associates there-by forming a strong bond of friendship. Once this is established only then should they try to infuse religious propaganda in the discussion. It usually starts with how Islam/Christianity is similar to Hinduism (in terms of practices and culture), how chanting is an inherent form of all religions etc.. Next the target is asked to chant the Hare Krishna maha mantra , along with their usual religious practices. Obviously they are asked to be secretive because devotees claim that people in a lower level of understanding will mistake it for brainwashing and will do something harmful.
Now, there are books, which detail how to go about doing the above. It details every step,every possible argument posed by the target. Its the naive who fall for such sweet talk and it is their dependents who suffer the most because of such activities.
Having established a good raport with the new students the bhaktas encourage them to intensify the practice of religion,along with their academics. This appeals to most students , as all of the problems noted earlier on is easily solved living in such a lifestyle.Usually at this stage the devotee maintains normal contact with his parents and but makes no mention of the regular interaction he is having with ISKCON devotees. At some point of time ,once the complete trust of the target is gained, he is asked to move in with the devotees and the brainwashing in complete.
The next section deals with the lifestyle of the devotees.
Please read the introduction to the series here.
The first few months of a desi student in USA is something which is fairly stressful. Even for those who come from hostels, this time is quite frustrating . Tough courses,distracting presence of unlimited TV, little money to spend ,no relaxation, lack of travel options , a completely new set of people to hang out with,and worst of all-the responsibilities of the kitchen. And here is where the Krishna bhaktas of ISKCON come in. The first contact is made and the bhaktas go out of their way to help the newly arrived desis settle down. Normally, graduate students help the new students with a place to live for a week, and some food to share- but ISKCON people go much beyond that.
Over a course of the next few months the devotees-in the guise of graduate students- go about helping the freshers in a variety of ways. They provide delicious food once a week, are approachable any time of the day, help the students with academics and such. They are seen on-campus from exactly 8-5. A bunch of these seemingly very dedicated students live together and have a very focused and helpful way of life.
This phase is very important . Even if most students do not become permanent devotees, their resistance could prove disastrous for the overall strategy of ISKCON. (which is described in the paras below.). Once a favorable impression is setup they move in slowly for the kill. They start talking from their own experiences of how directionless and desperate they were in life- and look at them now- they are contended with simple things, focused in life, have only good habits and thoughts etc etc..
They avoid making any reference to anything abnormal in their lives .
The recruitment strategy differs for different sets of people. Books have been written on how to brainwash people in different countries. For example:In turkey , where the local government is hostile to religious propaganda- the activities have to carried out with great risks. Devotees are first told to gain the trust of their associates there-by forming a strong bond of friendship. Once this is established only then should they try to infuse religious propaganda in the discussion. It usually starts with how Islam/Christianity is similar to Hinduism (in terms of practices and culture), how chanting is an inherent form of all religions etc.. Next the target is asked to chant the Hare Krishna maha mantra , along with their usual religious practices. Obviously they are asked to be secretive because devotees claim that people in a lower level of understanding will mistake it for brainwashing and will do something harmful.
Now, there are books, which detail how to go about doing the above. It details every step,every possible argument posed by the target. Its the naive who fall for such sweet talk and it is their dependents who suffer the most because of such activities.
Having established a good raport with the new students the bhaktas encourage them to intensify the practice of religion,along with their academics. This appeals to most students , as all of the problems noted earlier on is easily solved living in such a lifestyle.Usually at this stage the devotee maintains normal contact with his parents and but makes no mention of the regular interaction he is having with ISKCON devotees. At some point of time ,once the complete trust of the target is gained, he is asked to move in with the devotees and the brainwashing in complete.
The next section deals with the lifestyle of the devotees.
Going ISKCON
Its been a few months since I started blogging . I suppose this would be the first post which I don't think I would have ever written , had my blog not been anonymous. Its got to do with the events which unfolded in the first few months in the USA. My association with ISKCON is something that I have not spoken much about to anyone. The intensity with which I was involved with the movement is something which is known to very few people,most of them part of ISKCON itself. It's been a few years now since I stopped associating myself with those people. Its hard for me to tell what exactly I feel when I think about those days-amusing,frustrating,a gut-wrenching disgust- I don't know . Along with what happened to me, I write about the modus operandi operated by ISKCON in their 'recruitment strategy'.
There are always 2 parties involved. The devotee/bhakta whose goal is to brainwash and the Target whose naivety is exploited to convert him to a devotee. The next section will focus on the target, in my case a typical desi grad student in the US,although this can be anyone. The thrid shall detail on the lifestyle of the devotee. Most of this will be pure facts -this will not offend any devotee. In the last section I shall justify why I am against all this- in spite of the many positive aspects espoused by the movement.
Section 2: The Target
Section 3:The devotee
Section 4:The Grudge
My longest and most sincere effort at blogging.
There are always 2 parties involved. The devotee/bhakta whose goal is to brainwash and the Target whose naivety is exploited to convert him to a devotee. The next section will focus on the target, in my case a typical desi grad student in the US,although this can be anyone. The thrid shall detail on the lifestyle of the devotee. Most of this will be pure facts -this will not offend any devotee. In the last section I shall justify why I am against all this- in spite of the many positive aspects espoused by the movement.
Section 2: The Target
Section 3:The devotee
Section 4:The Grudge
My longest and most sincere effort at blogging.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Returning to India from US
As of 2006 ,66,000 students from India were enrolled in grad studies in the US of A.
In the fall of 2003, I was probably one of the 15,000 Desi grad students who entered the USA.
No data exists on the number of people who come back.
But being one of them, I can be sure there aren't many who can do that.2 years ago I came back . Got out with a MS and 10 months of work ex. Long ago when I left the shores of India, I was soo confident that I would come back. Over the next 2 years I saw that a number of my hard held beliefs ,when I left the shore , were not quite true. Today I see hundreds of amazingly smart Indians making the same assumption. I have tried to address these myths and argue why they are indeed myths.
In the fall of 2003, I was probably one of the 15,000 Desi grad students who entered the USA.
No data exists on the number of people who come back.
But being one of them, I can be sure there aren't many who can do that.2 years ago I came back . Got out with a MS and 10 months of work ex. Long ago when I left the shores of India, I was soo confident that I would come back. Over the next 2 years I saw that a number of my hard held beliefs ,when I left the shore , were not quite true. Today I see hundreds of amazingly smart Indians making the same assumption. I have tried to address these myths and argue why they are indeed myths.
Here we go!
Myth:1 I am going to US for a multi cultural experience.
Most of the advanced degree programs in US are full of Indians and Chinese. If you find a 5:1 ratio of Indians amongst your friends circle you should consider yourself lucky. It usually is much higher.
Myth:2 I shall come back with a advanced degree for a faster career growth.
The most important myth. This is the key reason why most ppl go to US in first place. However, the market in India is not demanding any higher degree than a Bachelors. Greater experience is more valued than a better degree. Infact the market for MS is low because with a degree from abroad you expect higher pay,when the company can get the same job done from a fresh engineer with lower cost. This is the core argument. The demand for MS is ONLY there is US ,NOT india.
Myth:3 I have lived in India for 20 years compared to 3-4 in US. Once I go back I will be fine.
From my experience the answer is NO. By 3 years people get used to life so much , that the Indian life is suddenly full of corruption,bureaucracy,chaos,religious fundamentalism,repressive society,poor education system and what not.In US,The pace of life is just right and nobody really cares about frivolous things.Most of you friends are Indians. Why go back all the way when you can get the best of both worlds(Indian friends and American life)?
Myth:4 People who end up with green cards are not patriotic.
People here are not much different than the one's in India. I am of the opinion that they were slowly brainwashed in to thinking that being in US is a a better life and they can still be patriots as long as they stay in touch with their country and do something good for it.
Myth:5 Get MS , get work ,finish loan, come back!
Everyone whom I have met says this. Unfortunately, most of them( 95% would be my guesstimate) stay back. The "Get MS , get work ,finish loan, come back" argument in fact has some legal loopholes. Once you start working you have to work for 2 years minimum. So, that's 4 years of life outside US. (Remember : Coming back to India after is a move which will decrease pay, decrease career prospects and take away all of Americas easy lifestyle)
Related Readings:
b)The book "Maximum City" is partially about the authors experiences on coming back to India.
I felt the same frustrations when I moved back.
c)The book "Namesake" was a strong motivation for me to force myself to comeback.
I got myself that book and read it like a bible.
d)Wings of Fire gave me a good picture of how hard things might be once I will be back in India.
PS1 :I know that it was not a good idea to come back. Life was so much better there. But I am a irrational person.
PS1 :I know that it was not a good idea to come back. Life was so much better there. But I am a irrational person.
PS 2:I have an irrational attachment to india which made me come back. (NOT patriotism).
Friday, February 20, 2009
Hanging Out?
I don't know really what are the sort of people I want to hang out with.I currently hang out with people of whom, some 5 years older to me.I am treated as an equal ,but somehow some part of me refuses to accept these people as my friends .Weird part is that I tired so hard to hang out with such people earlier and did not get an opportunity to. Now that I do ,I think that I am out of place. To be in a crowd of people who have achieved far more than you in life should make you feel special,of having arrived at the big league or something.It dosent really help that these people are fairly well off with life with a profession and all.
I imagine myself ,standing on the streets, staring at the college going girls ,who give back a venomous stare back at my group. I am now a part of the rocky khannas and amit_123s (see end of post)who hang out with these sophisticated chicks. I need my normalcy back. I need to become a frustu again.
For now I guess the story shall go on. Soon they shall be relegated to being facebook friends I suppose.
PS:I decided not to watch porn even again in my life time. The decision has come in after a lot of deliberations. I am quite sure of the rationale behind this and its time for some action. I felt a shiver going through my body in trying to resist visiting the goddamn websites .
Update: Its been a month away from internet porn now.
In a few days I would have ended up like Randy here.
Another update: It's easy to quit smoking, I've done it hundreds of times. :( My story is not very differnt.
I imagine myself ,standing on the streets, staring at the college going girls ,who give back a venomous stare back at my group. I am now a part of the rocky khannas and amit_123s (see end of post)who hang out with these sophisticated chicks. I need my normalcy back. I need to become a frustu again.
For now I guess the story shall go on. Soon they shall be relegated to being facebook friends I suppose.
PS:I decided not to watch porn even again in my life time. The decision has come in after a lot of deliberations. I am quite sure of the rationale behind this and its time for some action. I felt a shiver going through my body in trying to resist visiting the goddamn websites .
Update: Its been a month away from internet porn now.
In a few days I would have ended up like Randy here.
Another update: It's easy to quit smoking, I've done it hundreds of times. :( My story is not very differnt.
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